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‘Irn-Bru: the drink for people who want to calmly watch their family masturbate’

Irn-Bru has long advertised itself as fuel for hard-as-nails Scotsmen who’d headbutt your teeth down your neck if you so much as breathed in a manner that disrespected them. But now, the fizzy drink is rebranding itself as calming: a beverage for people who need a bit of reassurance, like a fizzy chillzone for your brain. And who needs a helping hand in times of high stress? Mums.

In the new ad, Lovely Dowdy Mum (copyright: all adverts ever) brings her son a sandwich and a can of pop to his bedroom, only to find he’s staring out of the window, listening to generic rock music through his headphones while using a hand-held grip strengthener… but from the back it looks as if he’s interfering with himself. Instead of slamming the door shut and avoiding the subject for the next 60 years, or laughing and shaming him, Mum just calmly sips an Irn-Bru.

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